Jokes for the day., Mysticism, reading, forums, Numerology, Sun Signs, Divination

Posts: 4397 · Posted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 12:29 pm

Jokes

Quiz Show Answers

The Weakest Link

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius? Contestant: Bombay.

Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes? Contestant: Crocodiles. Robinson: Wh...? Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen? Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...? Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Lincs FM phone-in

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

Steve Wright Show, Radio 2

Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?

Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?

Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.

Contestant: Sydney.

This Morning

Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?

Contestant: True?

Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show, so I'll give you that.

BBC Radio Newcastle

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

Bob Hope Birthday Quiz, LBC

Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?

Contestant: Four.

BBC GMR, Phil Wood Show

Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er...

Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...

Contestant: Walked?

Answers from Quiz Shows

National Lottery Jet Set

Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?

Contestant: William Shakespeare.

Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er... Mexico?

Family Fortunes

-- Something a blind man might use? A Sword
-- A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
-- Name the Capital of France? F
-- Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
-- Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
-- Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
-- A famous Scotsman? Jock
-- Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.
-- Something that floats in a bath? Water
-- An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
-- Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair
-- A famous Royal? Mail
-- Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings
-- A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
-- Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
-- Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate
-- A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on
-- Something associated with pigs? The Police
-- A sign of the Zodiac? April
-- Something people might be allergic to? Skiing
-- Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep
-- Something you put on walls? A roof
-- Something Slippery? A conman
-- A kind of ache? A fillet of fish
-- A Jacket Potato topping? Jam
-- A food that can be brown or white? A potato
-- Something sold by gypsies? Bananas
-- Something Red? My sweater

Bird Calls

One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Then it dawned on them...

Telltale Signs of Being a Mother

* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care.

* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* Popsicle's become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.