Jokes for the day., Mysticism, reading, forums, Numerology, Sun Signs, Divination

Posts: 4397 · Posted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:58 am

Jokes

House Shopping

My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?"

My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"

Dad replied "Maybe."

Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!"

Famous People Resume Qualifications

Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.

Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet: My postilion was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn't business casual?

Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?

Insignificant Thoughts

Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there's a baseball player who's worth $250 million, and I can't remember his or her name.

Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.

It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.

Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.

How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?

Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?

You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.

Real courage is a willingness to attack raw oysters in public.

It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Lego Toys need more memory.

Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be myself.

Thoughts That Are Insignificant

Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?

I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.

My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.

If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.

There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?

Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?

Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.