Jokes for the day., Mysticism, reading, forums, Numerology, Sun Signs, Divination

Posts: 4397 · Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:27 pm

Jokes

Cup O' Joe

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

"I just had a dream about it ..."

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Welfare Applications

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Settling a Cow Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."