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Posts: 4397 · Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 6:43 am

Jokes

2006 New Year's Resolutions

As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. Here is my list of recent years' resolutions and the revised ones for 2006.

Resolution #1
2003: I will try to be a better husband to Lisa.
2004: I will not leave Lisa.
2005: I will try for reconciliation with Lisa.
2006: I will try to be a better husband to Rachel.

Resolution #2
2003: I will stop looking at other women.
2004: I will not get involved with Rachel.
2005: I will not let Rachel pressure me into another marriage.
2006: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
2003: I will not let my boss push me around.
2004: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2005: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2006: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
2003: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2004: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2005: I will read 5 books a year.
2006: I will finish Space.

Resolution #5
2003: I will not get upset when Bill and Roger make jokes about my baldness.
2004: I will not get annoyed when Bill and Roger kid me about my toupee.
2005: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2006: I will not speak to Bill and Roger.

Resolution #6
2003: I will get my weight down below 180.
2004: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2005: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2006: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
2003: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2004: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2005: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2006: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
2003: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2004: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2005: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2006: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2008.

Resolution #9
2003: I will see my dentist this year.
2004: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2005: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2006: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
2003: I will go to church every Sunday.
2004: I will go to church as often as possible.
2005: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2006: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Husband in Coma

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.........You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck!"

Understading Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Texas

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

"Say, is this really a healthy place?"

"It sure is," the man replied.

"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."