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prasanna
Age: 49 Zodiac: 
| Joined: 20 Feb 2008 |
| Posts: 4397 |
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Location: DUBAI, Los Angeles, Chennai
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 Posted: Wed Dec 09, 2009 9:52 am |
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Jokes
Necessary Information for the 40-and-older crowd
- If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
The Greatest Benefits of Being Over 40
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
- You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- You can't remember who sent you this list.
Actual Accident Summaries
The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.
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Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
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I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
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The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
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The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
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I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
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In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
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I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
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The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
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I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
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The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
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I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
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I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
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As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
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My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
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An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
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I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
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I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
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The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
Life's Crazy Rules
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
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