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prasanna
Age: 47 Zodiac: 
| Joined: 20 Feb 2008 |
| Posts: 2357 |
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Location: DUBAI, Los Angeles, Chennai
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 Posted: Sat Oct 31, 2009 6:03 am |
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Jokes
Buying Fabric
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Banking Error...
A true story out of San Francisco...
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Working Man Blues
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.
Dumb Instructions
"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
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