Jokes for the day, Mysticism, reading, forums, Numerology, Sun Signs, Divination

Posts: 4397 · Posted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 12:44 pm

Jokes

Felix the Cat

My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.

One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter."

Telltale Signs of Being a Mother

* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care.

* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* Popsicle's become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

Tax Payment

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."

Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...

-- Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

-- She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.

-- She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

-- She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.

-- Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."

-- She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.

-- Your other girlfriend told you so.

-- The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

-- Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"