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prasanna
Age: 47 Zodiac: 
| Joined: 20 Feb 2008 |
| Posts: 2357 |
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Location: DUBAI, Los Angeles, Chennai
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 Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 3:56 pm |
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Jokes
Progression
Worried patient: 'Doctor, I'm very worried. I'm still suffering from exhaustion and fatigue when I come home from work every evening.'
Doctor: 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. Just have a few drinks before your dinner - that will soon wake you up.'
Patient: 'Thanks very much, doctor! But when I consulted you before, you told me to cut out drinking alcohol completely.'
Doctor: 'Yes, so I did. But that was last week, old chap - and medical science has progressed enormously since then.'
Football Pool
Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.
'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.
'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'
'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'
The doctor fell down dead with shock.
Can't Sleep
The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.
Doctor: 'Oh! Don't you sleep at night?'
Civil servant: 'Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too - but I find it's very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.'
Top 10 George Carlin Quotes
1. “Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.”
2. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
3. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
4. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
5. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
6. “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
7. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
8. “How come when it’s us it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”
9. “The best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. ‘But it was your daughter’s funeral.’ ‘I forgot!’ You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. It’s a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, ‘Who are you people and where is my horse?’
10. “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
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