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Posts: 1431 · Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 4:59 pm

Quote:

The Best of Late Night...

"Today, President Bush gave a news conference about the economy but he stubbornly refused to say the word recession. Instead, Bush said, 'Our country is heading towards something that has three syllables and rhymes with refreshin’.'"

-Conan O'Brien

"The video game Grand Theft Auto IV went on sale today. They say it answers any questions left unanswered by Grand Theft Autos I, II, and III. Fans waited all night to buy it. If they were real fans, they’d just steal a car and drive it through the front window of the store and take the game. It’s a shame kids these days are spending so much time playing video games where they steal cars, and not getting out there in the sunshine and really stealing cars."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow night on Fox News, Hillary Clinton will be making her first ever appearance on Bill O’Reilly’s show “The O’Reilly Factor.” Hillary should do well because she has years of experience yelling, 'Shut up, Bill.'"

-Conan O'Brien

"Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women. However, they say it is not good for women who just look pregnant."

-Jay Leno

"How about that John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who walks into a Circuit City and asks, 'Do you have typewriter ribbon?'"

-David Letterman

"The Bush administration wants our nation's 80 million recreational boaters to help fight terrorism by watching out for small boats that could deliver a nuclear bomb. Well, that should work out well, huh? You got a bunch of beer-drinking fishermen in bass boats with rifles. What could go wrong there?"

-Jay Leno

"Today, John McCain campaigned across the state of Florida. He's in Florida. Yeah, McCain likes campaigning in Florida because everyone there calls him 'the Kid.' ... His charming youthfulness amuses them."

-Conan O'Brien

"Nation, I am sick and tired of all the jokes about John McCain's age. The only thing older than a McCain is old joke is John McCain. That guy is ancient. But there is so much more to the senator than his extreme age. He's also extremely superstitious. According to the Washington Times, John McCain always carries around a lucky penny, a lucky nickel, a lucky quarter, a lucky feather, a lucky compass and a lucky four leaf clover. The only unlucky thing around John McCain is the person behind him at airport security."

-Stephen Colbert

"The State department announced the most dangerous place in the world today is no longer the Mideast. It’s now between the Rev. Jeremiah Wright and the microphone."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush announced the rebate checks for at least $600. ... I'm going to use my check to buy enough gas to drive to the bank and cash it. And then maybe back. The rebates were pushed through by the president to help get the economy going. It's kind of like when the mom of the kid nobody likes bakes everyone cupcakes so you can pretend to like him until the cupcakes are gone, and then you go back to giving him wedgies."

-Jimmy Kimmel

Posts: 1423 · Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 5:30 am

Thanks tourbi,

I don't like any of these comedians, but these were very funny.
Give credit where credit is due.

Laughing