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Pravin Kumar
Age: 64 Zodiac: 
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 Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 2:56 pm |
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"Britney Spears showed up at the court house in a short black cocktail dress, for her custody hearing today, but left before the hearing even started. She said, 'This club sucks — let’s get out of here.'"
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Her friend Paris Hilton is strongly in Britney’s corner. Paris said, 'I wish everyone would just leave her alone. She’s a great mother. I wish the best for her.' I want to be sure I heard that right. She is? Maybe compared to your mother."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"What a cold day. It was so cold, I saw a flasher on Hollywood Boulevard wearing a sign on his raincoat saying, 'Objects May Be Smaller Than They Appear.'"
-Jay Leno
"Everyone’s worried about the economy. Don’t worry — George W. Bush is going to give it a shot in the arm. If that doesn’t work, Dick Cheney’s going to give it a shot in the face."
-David Letterman
Top Ten George W. Bush Ideas For Stimulating the Economy
10. Send troops to invade U.S. Mint
9. Oprah gives everybody a new car
8. Turn Grand Canyon into a giant national "Have a penny, leave a penny" jar
7. Cheney threatens to shoot Treasury secretary in the face
6. Plans to fix economy in third term
5. Replace Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke with briefcase babes from "Deal or No Deal"
4. Send elite team of economists to rob Mick Jagger's apartment
3. Ahhh somebody help . . . Cloverfield monster . . . Run for your lives!
2. Maybe not spending a billion dollars a month in Iraq?
1. Forget the economy why doesn't someone try stimulating Condoleezza?
-David Letterman
"Today was a big day in Hollywood. Academy Awards were announced. A lot of Oscar buzz for 'No Country for Old Men.' That’s also John McCain’s campaign slogan. Another Oscar nod for 'There Will Be Blood,' a story of a ruthless oil tycoon . . . or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'The greatest movie of all time.'"
-Jay Leno
One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
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