WOMEN JOKES, Mysticism, reading, forums, Numerology, Sun Signs, Divination

Posts: 5081 · Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 2:16 pm

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15 Items of Advice for Women add joke

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

3 Types of Men add joke

Q. What are the 3 types of men?
A. The handsome, the caring, and the majority!

3 Wishes add joke

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband he richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

3-somes add joke

Q. What's the downside of a 3-some?
A. He disappoints 2 women instead of 1.

A Fed-up Housewife add joke

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

The husband replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, “Could you please fix the steps to the front door then? They're about to break."

"I’m not a damn carpenter, and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this! I'm going to the bar."

So he goes to the bar, has a few drinks, and starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife. So he decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are fixed. Inside, the hall light is working and the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey," he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

His wife said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

"So what kind of cake did you bake him"? asked her husband.

"Hello! Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

A Man's Heart add joke

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

A Sweet Love Story add joke

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face? "

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise.

OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP SHIT HEAD! DRINK YOUR ^%&*%^&% BEER IN YOUR DAMNED FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR
MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!
GOT IT, *&&*V&*^?"

...and, they lived happily ever after.

A well planned life. add joke

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Advice from Women to Men add joke

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear;
2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim;
3. If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts;
4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie;
5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime;
6. Please don't drive when you're not driving;
7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed;
8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts;
9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care;
11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too;
12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!
13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way;
14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt;
15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us;
16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level;
17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway
18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you;
20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling... however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got
pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Filler, who was about to be cremated, he made
an amazing discovery. Filler had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Filler", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, " Filler is dead!"

The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to
confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

Aging add joke

A couple had been married for 25 years and had also just celebrated their 60th birthdays. During their anniversary party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

Airline Rampway add joke

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the ramp way there was a woman collecting tickets. When the man got to the podium, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The ticket agent said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

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