1
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a  glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just  ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," he  said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For months all  my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did you manage that?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"


2
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel! : You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Ohhh I loved this Maude & Mable... roflmbo.....

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a teenage boy with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.   The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple.  He had black make-up around his eyes.  The old man just stared at him.  The boy said, "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"  

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have.   I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot.  I was just wondering if you were my son."

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”